Being nice is a good thing. It actually is a desirable human trait.

However, some people (for various reasons) are overly nice; they will be at the beck and call of everyone, put up with abuse and disrespect, and always put their well-being aside for others.

Being overly nice has tremendous and long-lasting negative effects.

Negative Effects of Being Overly Nice

• People take you for granted – they abuse your generosity and niceness.
• You feel guilty about telling people that they hurt/ wronged you, and as such, you keep it bottled inside. Bottled feelings can build up to the detrimental of your health.
• Since you do not want to bother others, you rarely ask for help and when you try, people come up with excuses because after all, you will understand them and make excuses for them.
• Your being overly nice robs you off time, energy or other resources to attend to your welfare as you are always making yourself available for others.
• You are highly likely to lag behind in most areas of your life since you are too busy focusing on boosting others.
• Years and decades of being at everyone’s beck and call, whereas no one is really there for you, can drill your self worth and esteem into the ground.
• Chances of growing resentful and or burning out (to a point of no return) are extremely high since you rarely have an outlet for your emotions or time to rejuvenate your body and mind.

How to Fix the Negative Effects of Being Overly Nice

I have heard people so often say “stop being too nice”, and they think that it will work instantly.

Well, it does not work. Nice people have it extremely hard to ‘stop being nice’ or to cut people off. The guilt of the mere thought of letting other people down weighs heavily on overly nice people.

However, I (a recovering nice person) are discovering a few things that boost my worth and, whereas I cannot turn mean suddenly, I am learning to put myself first; and it is okay to put myself first.

A Working Strategy for Mitigating the Negative Effects of Being Overly Nice

If you are an extremely nice person who feels like things are getting our hand, here are a few things that you might want to try:

• 

  Sit down (alone or with a therapist) and write down your feelings, your dreams, your contributions to other people (and their reciprocity in your life), and your desired progress. I call this process “calling myself a meeting and talking with the voices in my head”

• Acknowledge that you are an entity, a valuable human being who also deserves the best in life (including your attention and self care)
• Set a percentage of time to invest in you just as much (if not more) as you invest in everyone else
• Do the little/ big things that make you happy. YES. Ignore that voice in your head that may want to convince you that you are wasting time, energy or resources while you could be ‘giving back to the society’. You are part of the society and you deserve everything good too.

Your Healing Journey: Moving Past Being Overly Nice

Being overly nice is not something someone chooses. You just find yourself overly nice and it has its negative effects on your mental well being.

If you have been pushed over the edge or you have depleted your mental will, physical energy or other resources/ capacities, do not be afraid to cut people off. I know it sounds harsh and feels almost impossible, but for your own sanity, you might need to love some people from a distance.

Will Everyone Accept My Decision to Quit Being Overly Nice?

I can tell you for a fact that not everyone is going to be pleased with your need to take care of yourself.

In fact, chances are that some people will try to manipulate you into feeling like a very selfish person.

Do not fall those guilt-trips; you know you need to be nice to you too and your being overly nice is getting in the way of your sanity and overall well-being. Do not let anyone guilt-trip you into sacrificing more or enduring abuse. Give yourself time to re-learn yourself, process your own needs, and work towards your healing.

DISCLAIMER:

I am not a therapist; I have been through a lot and have learnt much. Thankfully, I am recovering just fine and doing amazingly well after I reduced my over-niceness and started investing some time and care on me.

I have also met strong men and women who have had their fair share of being overly nice, and almost lost themselves in the process, but are changing their lives one day at a time.

I have shared my story on Thrive Global – Post Mothers Day Celebration: Celebrating the Mothers Who Never Were. I am glad that through my writing, I have encouraged some people and helped more acknowledge how precious they are too despite the abuse and or hardships that may have been meted out to them.

I dream of a world where everyone’s worth will matter. The world is big enough for all of us.

Originally published at un-tell.com

The post 7 Negative Effects of Being Overly Nice and How to Deal with Them appeared first on Un-Tell by Maggie's DIY.

We live in societies where we have people who cannot let someone live life; express their joy or sadness. People who will minimize/ trash your experience for no reason or just because others have been through it too.

Healthy self-expression and the ability for a person to live his/ her life are key in life. Everybody has a right to process his good or bad times in a manner that gives them peace; I am not talking of people who hurt others in the process.

Now, back to the party-poopers; enemies of personal progress.

People who will not let you be happy or celebrate something because they know someone who had a better experience than you or because they know there is something sad happening somewhere in the world.

People who will not let you express your anguish or mourn your losses because others have had a worse experience or because they are having a better time and do not want to be bothered.

The same people who want to dictate to you how you should mourn in a ‘civilized manner’. What is a ‘civilized manner’?

Here is the thing; everyone has a right to his her emotions and experiences. The right to experience their life’s events without judgement.

CREATE YOUR HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT

It takes more energy than most people realize to create a peaceful world for you and your loved ones. Walking away is never easy. But if your sanity and life depend on your walking away from situations and people that threaten your existence, you gotta do it.

Move away from selfish people who don’t care about you or your need to experience your life and process/ express your emotions as you should.

Open your mouth wide and talk as loudly as you can about whatever experience is threatening your sanity and life; let them close their ears/ eyes if they have already heard about it or are simply not interested in anything less than perfect. Are they perfect? Maybe it is the universe’s way of getting rid of those who are not meant to be there.

Trust me, you would rather be perfectly safe and alive, worrying about real life things, than be dead because you cared too much for people wh0 were doing their best to abuse you.

Things Happen to Human Beings: Everyone has a right to talk

Death, sickness, injustice, violence, etc. has happened to humanity since the beginning of time. That does not negate the pain, anguish, torment, etc. that someone experiences today through such, and as such, no one should be silenced in favour of previous experiences.

The #MeToo movement, which swept the planet over in the last quarter of 2017, changed people’s perception of a couple of things. That just because sexual harrassment is widespread and the story has been told by ‘one too many’ people does not negate the experience of other victims; anyone can and should feel free to feel, acknowledge and share their truth whether it happens today or decades ago.

Life’s Achievements: To Celebrate or Not?

I cringe when I see someone share their wonderful experience such as pregnancy, graduation, mental health healing, physical healing, reconciliation, career success, etc. and some trolls are like “does he/ she think s/he is the first one? “Other have had that and more we don’t brag about it!”

Dude/ dudette, how does someone’s joy negate your experience? Leave people to live their lives.

I understand that you may not be in a position to fully celebrate with such a person, but for crying in a bucket, do not trash or ruin their experience with negative words and actions. Do NOT mobilize other people to trash someone’s good experience for no just reason.

Life’s Losses: To Grief or Not?

It breaks my heart when people who are grieving one sort of loss or another are guilt-tripped into not expressing or having their emotions in the name of “others are going through worse”.

Sure we should be empathetic to the plight of others but dude/ dudette, don’t negate someone’s pain based on your ignorance.

We are Humans First: Everything Else Later

I believe as human beings we have the capacity to be genuinely empathetic to other people’s situations while acknowledging our own lives.

We can be perfectly happy for someone who is experiencing something great in his/ her life even when ourselves are passing through life’s torrents.

We are also capable of mourning with other even when we are experiencing the best moments of our lives.

Emotional Healing

Your healing and the actualization of your dreams comes from acknowledging your life as an independent entity. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You need to do the best for you.

Yes, I know. Most societies want to bully people into being of service to everyone else and guilt-tripping people into thinking or feeling that self care is evil. Well, I am rising above any and all society that disregards my existence!

Live Life to the fullest

Career Success?

Did you just hit a career milestone or business milestone that you are absolutely thrilled about? Be Happy. Celebrate the best way you want?

Dealing with Loss

Did you lose something or someone and you are distraught about it? Mourn it/ them to the extent you can.

You have a right to. Let no one silence you into ‘trying to behave civilized’ when you are falling apart. Seek help of any kind if you need it for your healing. Let no one tell you that they have seen people who have lost more than you. So what? You shouldn’t mourn your losses just because someone else somewhere in the globe already experienced such? The story of Ted Josiah is touching and his desire to mourn his wife’s death even as he creates a safe world for his infant daughter and himself.

Getting a working relationship?

Did you get engaged or are getting married or having a baby? Celebrate my dear. Be happy. Yes life may have happened alternatively for some people and some people may be going through some tough times. BUT you have a right to experience your moment. Let no one tell you that they have seen better engagements or weddings or babies or ceremonies. Let your moment be yours. You can listen to ‘wise counsel’ but choose what to believe and how to live your life.

Dealing with Trauma

Are you trying to get over a past trauma? Abuse, loss, health issues, etc? Sing like a bird honey if talking about it is your process to healing. Talk about it until you have processed it.

Yes, some people will distance themselves from you. FINE! Let them be, they have their own ideal lives, and you have too. But be weary of people who only want to be around you when you are smelling like roses but ‘think you are too much of a baggage if you are experiencing something tough in life’.

In my life, I do not need such. They are like the shadow that will be with you when the sun shines (and all is beautiful) and they will leave you at the first instance of trouble. Isn’t when you are in trouble when you need someone to count on?

Alternatively; treat them as they treat you.

Of Pregnancy and Children:

I totally believe pregnancy is BEAUTIFUL and so are babies. I also believe everyone has a different experience of the exhilarating and the exhausting journey for both pregnancy and children. Pregnant mothers, fathers, and child-rearing people have a right to celebrate their moments as wildly as they can comprehend. I also believe that they have a right to express their exhaustion and frustration and CONCERNS about either of these two without someone shutting them up with “we have seen others – what’s the big deal with yours?”

If someone is pregnant and want to tell the whole world about it, s/he should be allowed to. Trolls should take a back seat and stop with their negative vibe. It is not like anyone experiences pregnancy or child birth or child rearing for others. Let people live their lives. Ignore them  if you have nothing nice to say. It is not like they are singing in your ear about.

Unrealized Dreams and Frustration

It is frustrating to want something/ someone and not get it for whatever reasons. Be it a job, spouse, child(ren), family, social life, etc. everyone has a right to dream and try to pursue their dreams. Everyone also has a right to feel frustrated when things are not falling into place; no one should shut such people up because outsiders may not comprehend the need that such a person has for what s/he wants.

Graduating?

Some people graduate at 17 and others at 50 or older. Everybody has a RIGHT to pursue their dreams and be thrilled by their experience at their age.

Parting Shot

If you feel muffled and unable to express what you are going through, push through anyway. Dare to defy the voices that want to limit you. If people come in the way of your life, leave them. Those people do NOT care about you or your experiences because they favour something else or nothing at all.

Your experiences do not take priority to them. Chances are: these are the same people who go on and on about their own experiences and expect everyone to drop everything and attend to them; yet they could care less about your experiences. Be wary of such people if you have such in your family, circle of friends or colleagues.

DO not let anyone convince you that you do not matter. It is okay if you do not matter to them, BUT you DO matter to yourself and should take the best care you need.

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